01 Apr Facebook Jeopardises England’s World Cup Bid
Posted at 08:33h
in
Facebook
by Paul Sutton
As the whole of England awaits nervously the results of the scan on Wayne Rooney’s ankle, it has emerged that Facebook is responsible for the star striker’s injury. Following my blog post about the way the web is influencing society titled ‘Is Social Media Killing Our Kids?’, I was contacted by Arnold Jackoff, President of the International Non-Social Action Networking Enterprise (commonly abbreviated to INSANE) who told me the answer to the title of that blog post was simply: “Yes it is. Fact.” He then went on to reveal astounding evidence that it is Facebook that has put the entire country’s hopes of World Cup glory this summer in jeopardy rather than, as first thought, a twisted ankle.
“Wayne Rooney’s injury occurred at about 9.30pm. Our studies have shown that Facebook’s heaviest time of use is between 9pm and 10pm. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence”, said Jackoff. “The number of mentions of the word ‘Rooney’ on Twitter also shot up shortly after the injury occurred. It could be argued that users were discussing the extent of the injury, but I think it’s plainly obvious that there was more going on.”
This overwhelming evidence comes hot on the heels of The Sun revealing last week that Facebook is also responsible for the spread of syphilis. “Quite simply, Facebook and social media in general is evil”, added Jackoff. “It’s threatening the entire fabric of society and causing the world around us to crumble. I’d say it could well lead to the apocalypse. Yes, in fact it will. It will cause the entire destruction of the human race. True story.”
On this last point, I asked whether this was exaggerating the issue slightly and whether this was an April Fool’s joke, but Jackoff was very persistent. “We’re looking into evidence that ties Facebook to 9/11. Mark Zuckerberg [Facebook’s founder] has a lot to answer for”, he replied. When I pointed out that 9/11 happened in 2001, but that Facebook was only launched in 2004, Jackoff turned a little nasty before slamming the phone down. “Don’t be so f**king ignorant”, he said. “What are you, Zuckerberg’s puppet? I should have f**king known when I read your blog”.
I’m really not sure what to make of this evidence. Could Facebook have caused Wayne Rooney’s injury, and do you know of anything else that Facebook or social media is responsible for?
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